Bad craziness... death to the American dream!
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Time Zone - World Distruction
Topic: Personal Goals


You saw the future and warned us well. America ignored you as shot you off as the crazy bastard from the Rolling Stone. Now as we claw for the remaining droppings of the American dream you leave us to fend for ourselves knowing good an well that the lizards have had us by our throats the whole time.

Rest in Peace Hunter S. Thompson
1937 ~ 2005

This is our last chance..this is our last dance...
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Bowie and Queen - Under Pressure
Topic: Miguelito
So, you've read my blog/webpage and know you've locked up your system. The secret is out and you've built your damn cliched wall just like I knew you would. Miguelito, it's over. Continue to hide behind the guise of coming home [i]just[/i] after I leave for work. At this point I really do not care what or who you are doing at that late into your evening/my morning. It very obvious that something is up.

We might see each other twice a week and I know that you've got to hate your days off. Why don't you go hang out with with your little nerdling friends every time you have a day off? I'm sure you feel more comfort in being yelled at while watching [i]Cube[/i] or some lame episode of[i]The Shield[/i].

I bet I struck a cord with that one, didn't I buddy boy? Well there could be more and much harsher words of departure but I need not further waste my time on insulting you.

You have several options:

A: Remain here and let me take notes for what is to eventually to come

or

B: Pack up and leave.

or

C: Come clean and understand that what you're doing in morally wrong, goes against anything that was screamed at you in church and beg like your life depended upon it.

Face it... we have no emotional connections. Logically we should not be together. We're just living in this house to pay off bills and to keep the cats alive for a few more years.

If would like to call me out on anything wake me up and let's go. Better yet post it on line somewhere I'm sure that you'll find comfort in hiding behind your keyboard.

Is This Just a Silly Game....?
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: Echo and the Bunnymen - Under the Killer Moon
Topic: Personal Goals

If there was some action between suicide and staying alive I'd do it right now. Nothing is more insulting than being told that your life's work and ambition doesn't make the cut in a graduate school application for School Counseling.

I'm sure that I haven't disappointed anyone because everyone's still in shock over the fact I didn't get in. Once again, I have failed. Secretly I know that my mom is just internally roaring with laughter as the worthless black sheep daughter is put in the pasture with the others.
The action plan is for me to retake the GRE, volunteer somewhere for a year and reapply. Dear readers this means that I might get in first summer of 2006.

I am beyond crying and anger. I am close to giving up but too far away from completely giving up.

March 3rd will not get here soon enough. I need you here more than ever before.

New house, new home yet I'm still alone.
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Afghan Whigs - The Killer
Topic: Id

Yes yes y'all I'm back.

Anyone..no one missed me? Yeah.. that's what I thought. Thanks gang.

Well Miguel and I have moved intoa nice sized and fully renovated mill house 7 miles away from my parent's house. Folks I couldn't take it there anymore. With my Dad's recent health condition they had planned to sale the house and move into something smaller but that fell through.

In the meantime I came oh so close to ending our relationship. We had a four hour talk the night that my parents semi-told me that I would have to move out. So why didn't we split up right then and there? Because your truely was so tired and so emotionally drained from that day I wasn't able to stand up to Miquel's questions.But don't fret folks... there is something brewing in the kettle.


Right before we moved out Mique began to chat on line with a co-worker of his. Since then the following has occured:

1. He has burned 14 cds for her.
2. Let her borrow his most "valueable" Floyd stuff.
3. Hung out with her after work until 7:30 am. Note he gets off of work at 2:30 am.
4. Increased his chatting to her on line.
5. Received a Valentine's Day stuffed animal from her.

Is my case building on it's own? I can only hope so...

Highlights of the week
Mood:  down
Now Playing: REM - Bang and Blame
Topic: Id
Yes y'all it's been a while since we've talked. Since then I have:

* Gone back to work
* Started classes
-> was forcibly switched from one section to a very
inconveinent section
-> now in a class with three people to whom I know
are: lazy, have adult ADHD, about to bail out of
class.
* Grown very disinterested in Miguelito.
* Added $1,098.75 to my personal debt because my
alternator went out in my Bug.
* Had my professor from last semester actually
askme if she could write a reference letter
for me for Grad school.
Unexpected coolness factor: 10
brownie points : tons
praise/high fives from family: 0
* Had lunch with Clay and told him that I wouldn't be
in class with him. That sucks because we did so
well with our presentation last semester. Don't
worry folks, Clay's not a love intrest. We both
like guys. ;)
* I chuncked blonde highlights in my hair.
* Had a dream that I lived in a my own house in the
middle of a field. Yes,that dream easy to read
into.

-- break --

Ugh.. the DJ on Virgin Radio is playing the full version of November Rain. I like this song but I'm a bit too in the grums to listen to it.

-- end break --

Blargh.. time to look at on line housing listings. That always perks me up. I'll be back in a bit...

Box full of poems, chocolate cake...
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: REM
Topic: Id

If by chance you are reading this and you know more about my AVEN link give me a shout.

Thanks.

The Grapes of Wrath
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Afghan Whigs - Let Me Lie to You
Topic: Id
So tonight I watched Sideways again and everything came together in one scene: whenever Giamatti suddenly kisses Heaton in Oh's kitchen. Yeah, that scene hurt me a lot.

Why?

It made me think of you. The way that I ....dammit I don't want to say this but...love you. Yes, I love you. It's a daily risk that I take on my part. It's damaging and some would call it sick, I know. It's probably not the word to use but it is the strongest word that I know.


Tonight as I sat there in that theatre my heart broke and my chest tightened to hold together the pieces. My stomach dropped and I curled up in my jacket to feel a comforting warmth but all I felt was the heavy sadness of reality. I love you but can't and not for the usual reasons.


The initial night that you kissed me just unabashingly fucked me up. The perversity of my language is the only way for me to express what it did to me. Your kiss confused, reassured and re-aligned the rules to our friendship. That night you made realize that I could talk to you on a level that I was afraid to bring myself to. Yes, it was scary but I needed to know it. Please do not apologize for your actions, I need to have a friendly door open my way.


Back to Giamatti and the kiss: he opened up to Heaton and it she accepted it. I opened up to both of you and you understood why and accepted me for what I am. You listen(ed), you care(ed) and I need that. I do need help that I can't afford, so please be there whenever I call.


Please find this diary. Read it and understand that you are the only person that I open up my soul to. You are not my crush, my crutch or vice of misguided love but a dear friend that I hold close to a place that few can tread.

Thank you.

Did Ya Miss Me....?
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Alicia Keys - You Don't Even Know My Name
Topic: Id
Apparently not. I've noticed that no one reads this psuedo-blog. Well at least no one ever replies if they do read it. That's fine... I just needed a place to vomit my problems. If you happen to any of the persons that I frequently refer to then please take every word on here as serious true to my life emotional response to my situation. Since my university's been out for the holidays I've caught several films. Clark told me not to spent all of my time at the theatre but it's semi-helathy escapism. Once again I've watched a film that has me completely caught up with the main character. A lot of people are wondering "What the hell is so great about Sideways? Like Garden State and Lost in Translation I feel a weird connection to the main character(s). Each person(s)is in a situation where their actions seem rather fruitless and quite frankly anything that do accomplish isn't given a grain of salt. My sig nif finds these films boring but he is missing the whole point: I do feel completely alone and I don't receive one bit of feedback from the people that I live with.

All of the goals that I have set and achieve I do solely for my own pleasure. No one told me to get my Masters, work at a university and work in the public sector. Everyone in my immediate life have told me to: get married, work 9am-5pm, have kids, act like I'm married, grow out my hairand dye it red. To me these people look internally miserable. Trust me I live and work with them.

Don't get me wrong folks, I'm not asking for an empathetic hand job for what I am doing but please understand that this shit is very hard to do without any form of road map. Thanks goodness for Clark and Pegg. I haven't spoken any about Pegg but just know that she has been a huge source of support for me while I've worked at the university. And now..... she has moved away. I'm glad that I took notes.

Back to the uncharted road.. Why do I think that that I am not getting any form of support from my family? I think that it has to do with the fact that none of them hae experienced what I am going through. They know what they have achieved thus they use their life manual to guide me. As I type this I think that I should retract a statement. My dad kind of supports me but once again it is very limited. He tried his best but is still defined by his personal achievments. My mother and my sig nif really don't have a clue and continually throw unsupportive comments my way.

But back to the other films... I also watched Kinsey, Limeny Snikket's: A Series of Unfortunate Events, Ray (long over due) oh yes...Sideways. Only 6 more to got and I have a week and a half left in my break.

Ugh... the Nyquil is kicking in. I need sleep and damn you Michael Stipe you're easily putting me to sleep.

Hold on.. Hold on.. Just hold on...

A Holy Fire Crawlin Up the Wall
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: The Graden State soundtrack
Topic: Personal Goals
Folks, if y'all didn;t notice I adore the Afghan Whigs and the The Twilight Singers. I also trade live shows. Hey, it's legal and the band is cool with it.

Here's my list:

Afghan Whigs

00.00.00 Jugula demo
08.10.92 Ghent, Belgium - "Democrazy"
06.10.93 France
00.00.93 CDR or DVD Salt Shaker
00.00.94 CDR or DVD Pink Pop
00.00.94 CDR San Diego
01.30.94 Milan - Zimba Espace Club
00.00.96 San Fran - Fillmore
04.07.96 *VHS* Rockpalast 1hr 15 mins
05.10.96 Portland - La Luna
05.28.96 Philadelphia - TLA
00.00.97 Afghan Whig B Sides and Rarities
11.04.98 NYC - Bowery Ballroom
11.23.98 Washington D.C. dsic one looking for two
02.24.99 Baltimore - Bohager's
03.28.99 Vienna
05.14.99 Seattle - The Showbox (inc)
09.03.99 New Orleans - Tipitina's show 1
09.04.99 New Orleans - Tipitina's show 2
09.23.99 WOXY - live from Ultrasuede studios
00.00.99 Studio X

Twilight Singers

00.00.00 Twilight demo
10.15.00 Cincinatti
10.22.00 Boston - Paradise Club
12.01.03 Seattle - Chop Suey
11.20.03 NOLA
01.16.04 Amsterdam - Paradiso Club
01.24.04 Hamburg - Logo Club
02.13.04 Rome - Villagio Globale
03.05.04 KCRW
03.24.04 Atlanta - Ol' Smith's Bar
04.08.04 Indianapolis - Patio Lounge
10.00.04 KEXP (not too good)



Make a sad girl happy folks. Let's trade. :)

So This is Christmas ..
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: If God Would Send His Angels - U2
Topic: Id
Seasons...some are fun, other relaxing but the period from Thanksgiving on is damn right depressing. I might have seasonal depression but more than likely is situational depression by the season. For most of my life I have been a mediator/ between my mom and my dad. With the recent edition of a other I am now the mediator between Miguel and my parents.
God how I hate this. The silence, the chest amount of disgust and rage and the nothingness that come out of most of my mediated conversations. It is 5x worse during the holidays. This one is the worst in history.
After my Grandmother's death we needed to decide what to do about Christmas. Understandably my sister is very uncomfortable about having at our Grandmother's house but my mom is clinging to that tradition in the most skillful and passive manner possible. Tonight my dad had enough:

Pops: So where are going to have Christmas this year?
Mom: Well I don't want to go to Pangie's because John cooks food I don't eat. He uses spices.
Pops: Well I've got that Thursday through the weekend off I want to go to the beach.
Mom: Well, you're going by youeself...
Dad: I WILL THEN!!!

My stomach dropped and any mediating skills I had previous fine tuned could not set me up this situation. As of 11:00 pm this evening my parents we still bickering about where to have Christmas. God, I feel so for moving back home to pay off Miguel's credit card bills. Since my stuff is in the front room, also known as the Christmas room, I have prevented my family from doing any form of Christmas festivities in their own home.

I know why my sister moved out at 18, joined the Army and dumped her full ride to a local university.

Please..let me leave here as soon as possible. I can't take it anymore. I didn't mean for things to turn out this way.

This is the end...beautiful friend..the end
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: WDAV - streaming audio
Topic: Miguelito
Many folks that I work and go to school with aren't aware that I am married. These same folks mention that I rarely speak of my Miguel. A lot of people assume that because I wear a plain silver band on my left index finger I am lesbian. After I take in their expression of disbelief I give them a brief explination of my situation.

In February of this year Miguel and I had to sell our house and move back in with my parents. Given that one of us had a 10 month bought of unemployment,and several credit cards that were beyond their limits, I though that it would be best for us to severely trim down expenses and pay off our bills. I dreaded moviing back in with my family but after working a 80 hours a week between full and part time jobs I was physically drained.

We moved in with my parents and we are getting the bills paid off but things are sliding down hill I cannot see how they can crawl back up. Since we have moved back in I have had to take full responsibility with: caring for the cats and dog, doing our laundry, keeping our section of the house clean and most importantly being the middle person between Miguel and my parents. (Miguel spending thousand of dollars on computer and hometheatre equipment hasn't helped either.) I did all of this as a kid and now I get the pleasure of reinacting the same scene except with my hubby and my parents. Needless to say this has severely damaged our relationship.

The strain of the past several years plus the now on going parents v/s internalizing Miguel is very hard to live through. Because of this I chose to separate from Miguel the first week that have paid off our bills. This will be in about a year and a half but here is the plan:

1. I have set up a checking account with another bank and have $75 directly deposiited in that account while the rest go into our account. I still have to help pay off the biils yet start saving up for the envitable. It's only fair..

2.Once our bills are paid off we will have two car payments: his car in his name and mine in mine. I didn't plan it like that it just happened that way.

3. He has a cousin which I prob need to create a whole section able purely because he has cause so much grief between Miquel and I that I can easily say he is one of the top factors for me chosing to end ways with Miquel. Given that the two of them get along great in a passive agressive spouce abusing way I think that they should get an apartment together. They had an apartment together whenever I was dating Miquel so it wouldn't be anything new to them.

4. Conitnue to work on my Master's. Nothing will stop me from finishing it.

5. Prob live with the rents for a little bit until I can legally get my own place. My state has strict guidelines on this type of thing.

So that is the plan. Yes, I've thought about this for a while and I feel that it is the right thing to do. I still respect Miguel as a friend but that's really about it. I feel that I will receive too much personal support from him. As for $$$ I want my 700+ credit rating back and I want the assurance that I will have money to cover my expenses and not live paycheck to paycheck.

Is that too much to ask for?

Chime in folks....

Greek is Extra
Mood:  lyrical
Now Playing: Afghan Whigs - Come See About Me (video)
Topic: Id
Dammit I aced my hour long presentation tonight! :)
Aaaahhhh... what a sweet relief. I'm sure to get an A. Amazingly enough, I'm in a yummy mood and hearing Dulli's raspy voice is doing the trick. Folks if you haven't seen Beautiful Girls then please rent the film check out Greg and boys. Then buy the soundtrack.

Guys, you'll get laid playing this cd. Girl, if your heart still drips ice water after listening to this cd then something is wrong with you. Dulli is a purring god.

Good Opinion Lost
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Fiona Apple - Across the Universe
Topic: Personal Goals
``There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil, a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome.''

Dammit, I wish I was a full time graduate student with a full rideand no job. They seem to get some much more respect than those of us who are part or 3/4 time students. Dear readers in a rare event I've got to vent/bitch. There is a an extremely slack assed full ridin' individual in my study group who has essentially ripped off my work and is trying to credit for it. Luckily for me, highly unlucky for his ass, I am moderating the content of our presentation. I seriously do not care if he plan to graduate in May. I'm nailing his ass to a cross, planting him in a decorative holiday basket and delivering his poor excuse of ethics to our professor. She has wind that something is up but hopefully this will clue her in.

ggrrrr...

Time to go over to Fark for the Dan Rather photoshop contest. Good times.

You Can Hurt Someone and Not Even Know It.
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Be For Real - The Afghan Whigs
Topic: Introduction
" I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. -- It is I believe too little yielding -- certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of others so soon as I ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. -- My good opinion once lost is lost forever. Mr. Darcy - Pride and Prejudice

Fault? Fallacy? Personal security? Folks, who knows? This mere personality trait of mine has caused anger, hurt, yet has kept me away from those I that temped me in ways that to this day run in the background of my synapses. It is also breaking apart a relationship that quite possibly was a personal mistake.

Given that I am studying to the be in the counseling field I should be able to give the benefit of the doubt to those I encounter, right? In several cases I cannot do that. Seeing folks that I care for being emotionally hurt and mentally drained absolutely irks me to the nth degree.

I partially understand the science and functionality of why people interact in this manner but the only variable I do not get is why the battered (not deep fried nor physically) tolerate it. What do they gain from this experience? How is this essential to their daily survival? This is the part where I anoint my perspectives on those I encounter. This is also where the pain begins...

Yes, folks I'm a wordy muthafucker. You've had enough for one night. For now enjoy the beautiful personification of the cards I'm dealing with.